The Wedding of Xena and Gabrielle
by Julia Noel Goldman with help from La Butkinson, Hillary, and apologies to William Goldman

APHRODITE
Hi, I'm Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, and welcome to the Wedding of Xena and Gabrielle. Audience members who would like to be married with Xena and Gabrielle please come stand right in front of the stage. When the minister asks Xena and Gabrielle to repeat things after her, the couples should repeat them with X&G, except inserting their own names of course. They should report to the stage after the skit to get their autographed certificates.
(APHRODITE LEAVES STAGE)

***

(XENA and GAB are on stage alone, all dressed up for their wedding ceremony.)

XENA
Look, I really donŐt think I want to do this.

GAB
You're crazy. We've talked about this for months now.

XENA
YOU'VE talked about this for months. I've only listened. And only half the time at that.

GAB
Xena, look, you asked me, remember? Back that time when we were stranded on that tiny deserted island for a three months? You BEGGED me, on your knees, to marry you if we ever managed to get offa there.

XENA
(vaguely)
I really don't recall--

GAB
Don't try it. You recall just perfectly. You're just having those wedding jittery cold feet things.

XENA
No. I just think marriage is a load of crap. Most marriages don't work out that well, and that's putting it kindly. I don't need some ceremony to prove I'm gonna be with you forever. And you know how it all started--

GAB
Don't YOU lecture ME on the subjugation of women!

XENA
Far be it from me to be more than just the muscle. Point is, I think it's stupid and I don't want to do it.

GAB
How did you get this far, Xena? It's literally MOMENTS before our wedding is supposed to start, all our friends and many of our enemies are here, I got this cool outfit and rented that freaky minister... NOW is the time you decide to back out? When we've talked about how important it is for us to set an example as two women getting married? How the world doesn't see enough of that and it should! And does it even occur to you that getting married might mean something to ME? That I dreamed about it as a little girl, that it will make me feel more like your equal and less like your sidekick? Oh yeah, I DID mention those things, didn't I, when I took you up on your proposal. But you know, it's cool. If you don't want to marry me, then I CERTAINLY don't want to marry you.

XENA
Gabrielle--and I know I've said this a million times before--I'm sorry. I'm a nasty bitch with no feelings and I only barely deserve you. Please forgive me for my stupidity yet again.

GAB
Oh.... okay... And...

XENA
Will you marry me?

GAB
Hell yeah. Let's go!

(XENA and GAB go to the back of the audience, while the MINISTER gets up on stage behind the mike)

PLAY VIDEO HIGH VOLUME: The Wedding March
(once X&G reach stage, turn volume low)

(XENA and GAB walk down the aisle through the crowd together and end up standing on stage in front of the MINISTER)

MINISTER
Friends, well-wishers, and the rest of you who just hang out in this temple, we are gathered together this day in the sight of the Goddess--

APHRODITE
Which Goddess? Me?

MINISTER
I don't mean you, Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Well, who do you mean? Athena? Hera? That Mary chick?

MINISTER
It's like, I mean the ultimate earth goddess, she who creates and nurtures all things.

APHRODITE
Okay then, not me.

MINISTER
So as I was saying, we are gathered together this day in the sight of the Goddess to celebrate your union together as two beloved strumpets, in holy matrimony.
A wedding is a celebration of a man and a woman or a woman and a woman or a man and a man, entering the Divine Mystery of Oneness as they sanctify their partnership through the power of the Great Spirit.

XENA
(whispers)
What is she talking about?

GAB
(whispers)
Shhh. Quiet. I donŐt know. It's romantic. Just try to pay attention

MINISTER
Mawwige, mawwige... Mawwige is one of the most precious occasions in life when we are presented with a profound opportunity to enter the timeless dimension of wuv, twoo wuv, as it descends into the world of time. It emphasizes and reminds us that our lives have meaning and purpose beyond the day to day affairs of worldly life and that wuv, twoo wuv, is the strongest bond, the greatest joy and the sweetest nourishment we can ever experience.

APHRODITE
What can I say but 'I told you so'?

ARES
Bite it, Sis.

MINISTER
In the Book of Lao, Lao Ma describes love as being as soft as water and as hard as the raging flood. It is clear to those throughout the world, and throughout the ages, that the love of Xena and Gabrielle is the most eternal and the hottest love that there ever has been. May the radiance of joy on this special day overflow with peace and harmony throughout the rest of Xena & Gabrielle's life together as beloved strumpets. And may this peace & harmony continue to expand, bringing joy to their families and friends and to all others who enter their home and circle of life for one reason or another. In the name of the Goddess, Eli, and all the great ones ... Amen

ARES
Is it over?

APHRODITE
Shut up Bro. It's beautiful. Plus, I've never been to a lesbian wedding before. This is great. I canŐt wait to tell Sappho...

MINISTER
Before we come to the exchange of vows, I will ask each of you your intent. Xena, will you unconditionally accept this woman to be your beloved strumpet? Will you devote your life to loving her, making passionate love to her, nourishing her and following along to protect her when she goes on her dubious spiritual quests? Will you nurture her in sickness and support her in hell or wherever you end up going for as long as you both shall live and probably way longer?

XENA
Yeah, fine, I'll do it.

MINISTER
Good to hear.
Gabrielle, will you unconditionally accept this woman to be your beloved strumpet? Will you devote your life to loving her, making passionate love to her, nourishing her and chasing after her when she ditches you to go do favors for ex-lovers with questionable intentions? Will you nurture her in sickness and support her in hell or wherever you end up going for as long as you both shall live and probably way longer?

GAB
Totally.

MINISTER
Xena and Gabrielle have each written a few words to share with us all today. Xena?

XENA
I, uh...

GAB
You forgot, didn't you? You FORGOT!

XENA
There was a lot of stuff going on.

GAB
(not happy)
Wing it.

XENA
Uh, Gabrielle, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I never dreamed I would find someone who could put up with me, who could know me and yet still love me and want to be around me. And I certainly never imagined it could be someone as wonderful, loving, and talented as you. I love you.

GAB
Nice recovery. Good thing you got the 'talented' in there. Xena, you're my favorite person ever. I love you like I love you the air and the water, fire, and the earth itself. You give life meaning and purpose, and I want to share all that I am with you forever.

MINISTER
Nice work, girls. Xena, please repeat after me the following words ... Today, Gabrielle, I join my life to yours as your beloved life partner, most intimate friend and confidant.

XENA
Today, Gabrielle, I join my life to yours as your beloved life partner, most intimate friend and confidant.

MINISTER
I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you and live and die and come back to life through the years to come.

XENA
I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you and live and die and come back to life through the years to come, et cetera.

MINISTER
With you I will walk the path of love and devotion forevermore!

XENA
With you I will walk the path of love and devotion forevermore!

MINISTER
Gabrielle, repeat after me. Today, Xena, I join my life to yours as your beloved life partner, most intimate friend and confidant.

GAB
Today, Xena, I join my life to yours as your beloved life partner, most intimate friend and confidant.

MINISTER
I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you and live and die and come back to life through the years to come.

GAB
I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you and live and die and come back to life through the years to come.

MINISTER
With you I will walk the path of love and devotion forevermore!

GAB
With you I will walk the path of love and devotion forevermore!

MINISTER
And now the exchange of rings. As the universe is a circle whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere, so let the seamless circle of these rings become a symbol of the timeless dimension of Unconditional Love. May the presence of these rings continue to remind you of the eternal love and devotion you are to share with one another from this moment onwards. May the beauty and perfection of these rings remind you of the beauty of your togetherness and the perfection of this union you are sanctifying in this perfect moment.

ARES
This is just bullshit!

(APHRODITE walks up to XENA and GAB and presents the satin pillow with their wedding rings in it, kisses each of them, and returns to where she was before)

MINISTER
Xena please place this ring on Gabrielle's finger & repeat after me: "With this ring, I thee wed ... I pledge my love, my loyalty, and my life to you. 'Till the end of time I will embrace you."

XENA
(places ring)
With this ring, I thee wed ... I pledge my love, my loyalty, and my life to you. 'Till the end of time I will embrace you.

Minister
Gabrielle, please place this ring on Xena's finger & repeat after me: "With this ring, I thee wed ... I pledge my love, my loyalty, and my life to you. 'Till the end of time I will embrace you."

GAB
(places ring)
With this ring, I thee wed ... I pledge my love, my loyalty, and my life to you. 'Till the end of time I will embrace you

MINISTER
If there is anyone here who knows of any reason why these two shall not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

ARES
(raises hand)
I...
(XENA raises her chakram)
Uh...
(XENA raIses chakram higher)
I think that...
(XENA makes like sheŐs gonna throw the chakram)
Nothing.

MINISTER:
Xena & Gabrielle you have been guided by the all kinds of strange forces to discover in one another an oasis of love. You have exchanged precious rings, proclaimed vows of love, devotion and faithfulness and now have finally entered into the sacred covenant of marriage.
By the authority vested in me by the states of New York and New Jersey, and the Citi-state of Athens, it gives me great Joy to pronounce you beloved strumpets.
You may now kiss the hottest woman in the universe.

(XENA and GABRIELLE and the couples in the audience kiss)

For the very first time I would like to present Xena & Gabrielle beloved strumpets!

RAISE VOLUME ON VIDEO

(EVERYBODY kisses and hugs and dances around)

THE END